While watching a student of mine compete recently, I was asked a common question by his father: “When will his fear go away?” 


His son was playing very well, but is young, and hasn’t developed the ability to conquer his self doubt. Ironically, he’s one of the best male high school golfers in the state, received a full scholarship to Northwestern University, and just tied Tiger Woods’ Southern California’s Amateur scoring record. Why would a player with this much talent have a “fear” problem, and how do we make it disappear?


How do we make it disappear is the main problem. Trying to make fear go away or attempting to hide from it will ultimately make it stronger. Most would tell him to ignore the fear… I say embrace it, invite it back again, and kick it in it’s teeth. I want him to remember what it feels like to be scared. I want him to look at his fearful face in the mirror. I want him to admit to this fear thing that it used to get the better of him… but no more will it run his life. Never again will he allow it to dictate his actions! 


Ask self doubt to come back, rather than being afraid of the fear. Ask it to return, in order to demand that it leaves!


Fear is an illusion. It’s never as powerful as we make it in our mind, but if we don’t attack it head-on, it will run our lives. In my student’s specific situation, he allows self doubt to make him focus on what he doesn’t want, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more he concentrates on what he’s afraid of, the more often those fears manifest.


What he’s now learning to do is substitute confident, powerful wants and needs for his doubts and fears. Confidence and doubt can’t live together… absolutely impossible. His immediate goal is to replace these new confident thoughts every time he feels fear of failure. After repeating this over and over, his unconscious will then respond with fearless actions… soon turning habitual, and eventually building a cycle of belief. 


The unconscious naturally goes to it’s fear place if we don’t tell it otherwise. It’s a survival technique- a way to guard against pain. In order to override this instinct, we must consciously take over our thoughts and feelings, creating a new positive mindset. 


We’re in control… fear isn’t!


Jack: You accomplished something in your last tournament that most can only dream of. You played against experienced men and beat all of them, except one. Take this confidence to Northwestern, knowing the Tour is just around the corner. Believe in yourself. You’ve earned the right!

Opportunities to learn are everywhere, aren’t they? Sometimes, we just have to open our eyes and ears to the possibilities of what’s staring us in the face.

Watching my 17 month old daughter pick up a telephone and put it to her ear, pretending to talk to grandma made me think of the learning thing. Taking my keys and attempting to open the front door of our house made me think of this learning thing. Laughing with her, as she attempts to eat spaghetti with her little pink baby fork makes me think. Nodding yes when she approves, and no when she doesn’t, as if she’s absolutely positive about what she wants, always makes me giggle… then makes me think. Taking small pieces of garbage and carefully putting them in the trash bin. Making sure she holds dada’s hand before walking down stairs (because she once fell off, hurting herself) makes me think about this learning thing. Taking our phones and pretending to take pictures… how in the heck does she know how to do that? We didn’t show her – or did we? She watched and watched, learned and learned, and eventually understood.

Absolutely amazing!

Talking with a mother and father of a new student today made me think of this learning thing. Acknowledging the mental coaching I do isn’t just about the specifics we’re learning at the moment… they’re also applicable to every step their son will take. A mom and dad, passionate about their son’s sport, and wanting him to taste success, had the awareness of the bigger picture… not getting wrapped up in his winning or losing. Made me think of this learning thing. Having his dad show me a book cover with three pictures of past champions, telling me they’re all in a slump because of their mindsets, not their physical skills… got me thinking of this learning thing.

Parents that can see past today’s successes and failures, focusing on tomorrow’s lessons… awesome!

Listening to my gorgeous wife talk about the rekindled passion for her business… made me think of this learning thing. Watching her change, fix, create, and continue to master components of her website… night after long night. Got me thinking. Sitting back in the shadows, watching her interact with our little Logan; her heart overflowing with love, insight, kindness, and an ability to teach. Made me think of this learning thing. Remembering the days Liane and I would sit in the coffee shop, talking about our dreams and how we’d achieve them… now in the process of doing exactly that. Finding a way to balance long hours on our paths to “success,” while still pouring our hearts and souls into Logan – making her the true priority.

Made me do some heavy thinking about this learning thing!

I’m why you’ll ultimately reach your next level, and the very reason you won’t. I live in you, around you, I’m with you every minute, and I’m what many try to take away from you. I’ve been coached, trained, and talked about, but you’re the only one who can make me come to life.

You’ve had moments of feeling my power and ability to take you places you’ve aspired to reach, but for some reason have a difficult time making me part of your every day. You continue to ask questions about me, yet rarely have the courage to look me square in the face and make me stick around. You seem to hope I will hang out for awhile, and even love my company… but can’t make the conscious decision to demand I stay permanently.

Why is this?

Are you afraid of what you’ll see if I do make a habit of living with you? Maybe the changes in you will be too drastic? Will the success you create during my stay make you uncomfortable?

Self Belief is my name… and changing futures is my game! (Yeah, yeah – I know that was cheesy… but still true). What will it take to truly believe in yourself? How much evidence do you need? Ahhh, this is really the problem. Most wait for the evidence to arrive before they begin believing in themselves, but waiting is the biggest issue. We first have to believe from the inside; believe in our potential and the possibilities. Once this happens, the “evidence” will show it’s face. This concept is counterintuitive, making most people think the opposite to be true, continuing the negative cycle of self doubt.

This type of thinking is exactly why those people rarely ever see the positive results, and why they seem to live a life full of self doubt. If you’re an athlete, looking for that higher level… believe with unwavering confidence that you absolutely WILL attain your goals. If you’re trying to lose those extra pounds, first believe you deserve to be healthier, then believe with all your being that you will grab ahold of your goals… no matter how much work it takes or how much you have to sacrifice.

Last post, I wrote about having high expectations and the eventual results that will manifest because of those expectations. Everyone was telling me NOT to “expect so much right now” because I took so much time off.

I say … W-R-O-N-G! Expect more and bigger.

The day after I wrote my last post, I went out on the golf course and exceeded every expectation I had for myself at this point in my “comeback.” I shot 9 strokes better than I should have (according to all opinions other than my own). I played as well as I did when I stopped 6 years ago.

Why?

Because I expected nothing less, expected it now… and knew it would happen!

Was it sooner than I originally thought? Yep, but that’s the beauty of having high expectations… we never know what our minds and belief systems will do for us.

Believe you ABSOLUTELY WILL… no matter what they say.

I was playing golf the other day, not having a very good day, and was getting very frustrated. The person I was playing with kept saying, “What do you expect? You haven’t played in 6 years.”


What do I expect?? I expect to be good again, and now!

Most say this type of thinking is ludicrous, impatient, and just plain unrealistic (ughhh… there’s that word again). I don’t think it’s unrealistic at all. Let me explain.

I stopped playing golf 6 years ago after becoming a 3 handicap, and tons of hours on the course. I worked my butt off, had a goal of becoming a 5 handicap within 3 years, and EXPECTED to attain that goal… no questions, no excuses. It took about 4 years of constant play, but I finally reached my goal — actually surpassed my original objective by 2 strokes. Whatever I’ve wanted… truly wanted, I’ve always attained. Why?


Because my expectations were always high, and I never stopped until the goal was met. 

If I took the attitude of, “I haven’t played in a long time, therefore I’m going to play terribly… be patient,” my short term pain would definitely lessen, but my long term success would absolutely take much longer to arrive. I believe, with every ounce of my being, that striving for the highest possible peak will allow us to reach further than we ever thought possible. The immediate challenge with having such high expectations is that the short term pain can (and most likely will) be very intense and frustrating. These aspirations of playing at a high level again makes my mind wonder to the past and how good I used to be, resulting in losing focus on this one single moment. On the other hand, not having lofty goals will ease the pain of right now, but will leave me lazy and unwilling to push myself as hard as I possibly can… both physically and mentally.

So, when he said,”what do you expect? You haven’t played in 6 years,” what I heard was “don’t push yourself so hard, moron. Who do you think you are, and why do you care so much? You’re not good anymore!” Of course, he probably just meant “relax and have some fun,” but let me tell you a little secret: Sucking isn’t fun!

Don’t allow anyone to tell you not to expect bigger, better, or more than they think is possible. Who cares if your expectations are greater than most would dream of reaching for… this is how you’ll ultimately reach your next level. Most can’t, won’t, or are too scared to try — or at least afraid of the sacrifices needed to truly attain what they want. Don’t be them. Be the one who does expect to be great, either again or for the first time.

Reach higher than they say is possible, and watch what happens. The results that come from pushing harder than expected will be greater than you can imagine!