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My Dream~ Daddy's Little Girl

As I walked my little Logan this morning, I couldn’t help but to stare into the future, dreaming about what life may hold for her… the mental and emotional freedom I wish for her to experience. She’s daddy’s little girl, growing up so fast. Will she be strong, fearless, and willing to take chances when ‘they’ tell her to play it safe? Will she be a leader, paving the way for others to follow her example? Are these qualities with her from birth, or do we as parents take responsibility for instilling most of them?

Will she continue to be curious, wanting to “figure it out,” always without fear? When does fear come into play and become a reality in her life ~ because as of now, she doesn’t know what that word means or feels like. In my, “I-can-teach-anyone-anything” mind… I want to think I can show her how to avoid letting fear dominate her mind, as it did mine when I was young.

I’ll teach her how to be her own person, looking for opportunities where others only see roadblocks. I’ll guide her down the road of risk-taking, never afraid of failure, knowing that failure is only an illusion and will always bring her closer to the success she strives for. I’ll show her how to never take “no” for an answer, yet still knowing how to back-off when necessary. I’ll teach her to feel confident, even when there isn’t any evidence to support that confidence. True confidence is born in us all, it never leaves, but must be given life on a daily basis.

Of course, I won’t be the only teacher in her life, but this is MY dream… so I can be the hero if I want!

Will she have her own voice, but still be strong enough to listen to others and ask for help often? Can she set aside her ego and offer help to those she disagrees with? Will she understand the difference between wise and smart, and be able to implement each when the time asks for one or the other? Will she continue to laugh when emotions are telling her to do the opposite?

Right now, Logan needs and wants us more than anything… will she always? My dream says abso-freakin-lutely! Know why? Cuzz it’s my dream, she’s my angel, and will always be daddy’s little girl!

(Quick addition to previous post)

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A few readers have responded to my previous post, “They’re Unhappy… Trying To Make Us Unhappy” with the same argument, which I needed to reply to immediately. They said ignoring the people who continue to gossip about them would make their feelings bottle-up inside, eventually leading to a blow up.

This is my point of that post: We want to reach a place where we’re not “bottling-up” our feelings by ignoring them… we want to completely let go of all frustration, anger and possible retaliations from our soul. We’re not holding our negative feelings inside because we don’t hold any negative feelings towards those people. When we bottle-up, we hide our feelings, which will lead to a future explosion. When we choose not to engage those negative emotions, there’s nothing to bottle-up.

Does it take us rising to another, mature, “zen-like” level? Absolutely… but choosing the path of least resistance will lead to a more peaceful way of life in the long run.

They're Unhappy… Trying To Make Us Unhappy

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“I can’t stand him… he always talks crap about me!”

“She never lets it go. Why won’t she just shut up?”

“I’m gonna get her back for all trash she’s talked about me.”

“He’s such a sad human being… why does he even care what I do?”

We can’t care what anyone says about us!! Ignore them… look another direction. The more they talk negatively about us, the more we should feel sorry for them — sorry that they can’t focus on the good, or trying to find the good in their own lives. The reason they gossip or lie about others is because they’re unhappy, period! Know that’s why they say and act the way they do, but don’t be upset, be grateful… grateful you’re not them!

We shouldn’t waste a second of thought on these people, but instead, surround ourselves with those who lift us up and who exude positivity. An important lesson I learned a long time ago was understanding that “they” don’t care if we don’t like them ~ they’re not going to change for us… I was wasting energy focusing on their negative energy. It’s easy for us to concentrate on how hurtful they’ve been, making us want to either set things straight, or even hurt them in return. We can’t fall into that trap!

They want us to be negative and miserable, focusing on them instead of our own positive way of living. In their minds… if they can’t be happy, then we surely don’t deserve to be happy.

Again, don’t waste another minute on them. They’ll be, do and say whatever they want. If you believe in God, pray for them. If you don’t believe in God, be happy you’re not them!

I've Got Four Words For You…

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As I begin this topic, I know what I want to say but not quite sure the tone I’m going to use. It’s the type of topic that drives me crazy, mainly because I feel it should be common sense for everyone, but unfortunately isn’t.

A couple years ago, one of my student’s mom called me incredibly angry about her son’s teacher at school. I instinctively took her side at the beginning of her rant… until she got to the meat of her complaint. “Are you kidding me!!!???” is all I could think of saying when she finished.

Her son was expelled from school for telling his teacher to *F-off!* So, you ask, why would she be upset at the teacher for kicking her son out of class? Her question:

“What did the teacher do to make my son tell him to F-off?”

Again… “Are you kidding me!!!???” What did the teacher do? What’s she teaching her son, and how will he ever grow up and take responsibility for his actions? I’m seeing more and more of this, believe it or not ~ some just refuse to take responsibility for the decisions they make and the consequences that follow.

Another doozie I’ll never forget:

It was my 14 year old tennis student, his dad, and I at a tournament in L.A. This kid was a physical talent, but didn’t have much mental toughness or the ability to control his emotions. In short… he was a spoiled brat that thought he was entitled to win because his dad said he was better than everyone else.

20 minutes into his first match, it was quite obvious that he wasn’t going to come out ahead at the end of the day, so I began focusing on the positives we could talk about when it was over. I knew he was going to walk off the court upset, and probably not wanting to talk, but it was my job to help him after losses like this.

22 minutes into his first match, he threw his racquet onto the next court, almost hitting a player in the head. I immediately looked at his dad to see his reaction… hoping he’d be disgusted, and maybe even yank his ass off the court! Nope, that’s not what he did. He actually gave ME a look, as if I was at fault. “Are you kidding me!!!???”

It gets even better…

27 minutes into his first match, he hit a ball over the fence into the parking lot, hitting a car, and setting off the car alarm (which seemed to last for hours). I looked at him again and yep – you guessed it… he gave me that same, “It’s Dayne’s fault” look. “Are you kidding me!!!???” This time, I wasn’t going to just sit there. I walked over to where he was standing (I don’t like sitting next to most tennis parents during their kid’s matches – they can get critical) and asked if he thought this was acceptable behavior. He didn’t say a word.

35 minutes into his first match, he threw his racquet again, but this time it hit a pole and shattered! I was horrified to call him my student… and was planning on some “heated words” the second he walked off the court. Before I could think of what those exact words would be, his dad sprinted over to me and had the nerve to ask, “Why isn’t he winning!? Why didn’t you prepare him better!?” Say it with me… “are – you – kidding – me!!!???” You’re worried about his winning or losing, rather than the punk he’s looking like at the moment?

I looked at him with rage welling up in my eyes, yet calmly explained, “You’re right, my bad! It’s my fault he’s an emotional psycho at 14 years of age… and it’s my fault he just completely embarrassed you and your family. I’m so sorry that I didn’t prepare him better. I’m sorry that I let you down!”

I won’t let it happen again!

It Never Ends… EVER!

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I received a text from a student of mine which stated, “Your last 3 blogs were lame! I already know that stuff.” (Oh, you little college freshman girl). She was half-kidding, but that means she was also half-serious. Because she’s heard my rants so often about figuring out what she wants, visualizing, and taking action, she thinks she’s got it! I know, I know… 18 year old girls know it all — then they turn into 40 year old women who know it all!

She instinctively thought that because she’s heard me talk so much on those subjects, she didn’t need to hear, read, or practice much anymore. WRONG, LITTLE GIRLIE!

*If we want to gain muscle mass… we must lift weights and eat correctly ~ all the time!

*If we want to lose weight… we must exercise and eat correctly ~ all the time!

*If we want to get better grades… we must study more efficiently (or in some cases, study- period!) ~ all the time!

If we want to create new, better ways of thinking and acting… we must practice ~ all the time!

I remember walking into a martial arts class when I was younger, super excited, yet scared out of my mind at the same time. I hated anything new and out of my comfort zone. What finally got me in the door was the fact that I knew (or so I thought) that I’d be working with all beginners, so we’d all be in the same boat. See, back then, I’d never do anything that I knew I wasn’t going to be great at… so for me to take a class in which “failure” could be a possibility was a huge leap of faith.

The first thing I remember seeing when I walked into the studio were 7 guys flipping each other, practicing wrist locks, and working on what looked like to be some very advanced moves. I asked the instructor if I was in the wrong class. He said I was in the right place… actually, I’ll never forget what he told me, because it made me forever alter the way I thought and how I was teaching.

“All black belts work with beginners because they were once beginners, and will always be beginners… they just have a different color belt than you,” he said. “They will give back to the new students, as well as learn from them. You’re in the right class, my son!”

Son? Dad?? My dad’s not Japanese! Did you give me away at birth? Sorry, back to my point:

I hadn’t been there for more than 5 minutes, yet he completely changed my way of thinking, doing, and the way I’d teach for the rest of my life. We never stop learning, improving, and growing… EVER! There isn’t a finish line, no matter how many classes we’ve taken, no matter how well we’ve eaten or how often we’ve exercised. We’re never done, we never truly get it, and there’s definitely no such thing as a master. We may think sometimes, that we’ve “mastered” something, but that’s just an illusion. The instructor in that class was something ridiculous like a 10th degree black belt, but said that he’s still, and always will be a beginner.

So… to my young student who “doesn’t need those lessons anymore,” and has mastered her techniques: I envy you. I’m jealous that you’ve found a way to be done. Actually, in our next session, you’ll be showing me how you did it!

What Time Is It? Umm… Now!

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Huh?? That makes no sense. Now is the time?? But — my watch says it’s 5:59.

“We have to win tomorrow…”

“I can’t believe I lost yesterday…”

“What if my new client doesn’t like my

ideas, and fires me?”

“In order to reach the playoffs, we need to win the next 5 of 7 games…”

No! No! No! Thinking, talking, and coaching like this will always turn into a disaster because it makes us focus on that single thing we will never be able to control:

THE OUTCOME!

We can only influence the result… never completely control it. I literally have this conversation 5 times each day with my students, and everyone else who will listen. This concept is so misunderstood by athletes, business people, students, and every other freakin human being alive, it makes me want to scream. Let me repeat myself (what’s one more time in a day?): We can’t control the result to anything, period!

Influence? Yes! Control? No!

We can improve our chances of winning by focusing on those things we have control over: Every decision we make, our preparation, and our emotional reactions to the specific situation, for example.

By allowing ourselves to concentrate on the things we can actually change, don’t we improve the percentages that we’ll maximize our potential? That’s what we should be focusing on, anyway… playing our “best game” (whatever that means in your world) to the best of our abilities.

The winning and losing will take care of itself… THANKS, DAD – I finally get it!!

All we have is this moment, right now. There’s no past or future… only this second! The future is gone, and is never coming back. The past isn’t here yet, but when it does finally arrive… it’ll be the now. Think about that for a second ~ if we could improve our mindsets to the point where we understand there’s only this single moment to do (X), how different would our day be?

Would we stress as much? Don’t we usually stress about things that haven’t happened yet, or things that we think “may” happen? We wouldn’t worry about as much because, as with the stressing, we usually worry about the future. The “what-ifs” would immediately disappear, wouldn’t they? They’re also in the future.

Being upset about losing, whether that means a sporting event, client, or poor grades would be gone too. When we hold on to that type of anger or disappointment, we’re essentially living in the past. Sure, there are things from the past that we can learn from in order to make better decisions today, but they have no power over us, as it relates to our emotional well being.

Fear of losing; living in the past and future; stress and worry about the what-ifs; disappointment about negative results… all gone!

What time do you have again?

To Do, Or Not To Do…

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Ok, so we’ve explored some concepts in the last couple of posts that will help us achieve bigger, better, and more.

1. Know exactly what we want, and believe that it’s ours for the taking. Do we want to be the employee or the owner?

2. Visualize those wants as if they are already ours. See them in our mind’s-eye with such strong emotion, our brain can’t figure out what’s real versus what’s just a visualization.

Knowing what we want and having a picture in our mind are extremely important pieces of the puzzle, but they still need a little help. If this was all we needed, then we could simply stay at home all day watching t.v., “dreaming” our wants to come true. Sorry, Charlie –

As one of the most successful ad campaign of all-time says: “Just Do It!”

Notice that it doesn’t say, “Just want it” or “Just see it.” Just Do It means a lot of things, but most importantly, it means get off our asses, forget all the excuses, and commit to that next level – and do it now!

We must take massive action if we want to accomplish those things we’re so passionate about. This single step can be difficult, and is what holds most of us back from the results we want, especially when we’re confronted with roadblocks.

“As I grow older, I pay less attention to what men say. I watch what they do.”

-Andrew Carnegie

“A superior man is modest in his speech, but exceeds in his action.”

-Confucius

When they say we can’t, what will we say? When we get the door slammed in our faces, will we look for, and open the next door? After months and months of “failure,” will we understand there’s no such thing as failure… unless we stop doing? Will we be egoless as we move forward, not afraid to ask for help? When we wake up tired and beat-down from all of the negativity, will we remember that we only have now… this one minute, this one hour, this one day?

“Things won are done; joy’s soul lies in the doing.”

-William Shakespeare

“Now What?”

-Me

Let's Talk About The Next Level

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The last couple of posts, I’ve talked about mindset and the effects of thinking and believing a specific way in life. Let’s take it a step further this time, and focus on visualizing your beliefs and the results that will follow.

I believe with 100% certainty that what we “see” in our thoughts will be brought to life, both good and bad. If we visualize that “it” will never happen, and we add enough real emotion to that visual, it’ll most likely never happen. Why would we consistently think with such negativity and pessimism? I’ll leave that answer for another conversation. Conversely, if we “see” what we want and make it real enough in our mind, we dramatically increase the percentage that it will happen. Knowing that what we see in our mind’s-eye will actually manifest is extremely fascinating, and is what I’m dedicated to sharing with those who will listen.

Walking with my wife and little girl around our neighborhood this morning is what started this topic in my head. As we walked from block to block, we noticed how much bigger and more beautiful the homes became. There was actually a house that we became very interested in, but we knew that it would be extremely expensive. Putting the potential price aside, we made a call to ask about this specific house, and began the “mental picture” rolling. We began talking about “our new home, and how wonderful it WILL be for Logan to experience such a big back yard and tons of grass to play on. Our new neighborhood WILL be the best walking neighborhood we’ve ever lived in, and WILL be super close to downtown shopping.”

Whether we eventually move in to this new house or not is completely irrelevant… what is important, though, is that we made it possible to get the result we want — how? We made it real, very real in our mind, visualizing the future as if it was happening now! This point is extremely important, because it’s how our visuals eventually manifest. If my wife and I talked about how nice it “could be…” or “maybe would be if…” then it wouldn’t feel real to our mind, therefore not allowing the unconscious to take over (that’s also another conversation).

I don’t just think this is possible… I’ve lived through life changing results from altering my belief system in this way. I grew up extremely negative, pessimistic, and the antithesis of this type of thinking. I eventually learned (through personal experience) that “seeing it before it happens” really does work. I won’t lie and tell you I completely understand the science behind the results… but I will tell you, with complete sincerity and confidence, that it’ll change your life!!!

Actually, thinking about the science:

It’s been scientifically proven that the brain doesn’t know the difference between strong, emotional visualizations and real life events. Here’s one cool experiment: Three Olympic sprinters were attached to monitors all over their bodies that would record how, if, and when their muscles would fire during a strong visualization. They were asked to close their eyes and visualize a 100 meter sprint, making it as real as possible in their minds. The results were mind-boggling… the computers recorded the EXACT SAME TYPE OF MUSCLE FIRE that would be made under a real race. In other words, their muscles responded to the brain, which responded to the sprinters’ visualization, creating real-time muscle movement. The sprinters also were covered in sweat, as if they just finished a race (remember, they were just laying there, motionless)… freakin’ amazing!

Uh-oh… my cell’s ringing… it’s the EX-owner of “our new house.” Gotta go pack and call the moving company– cause we’re moving up the street. Did I tell you how big the back yard was?

Oops ~ IS!

Perfect! Really? Are You Sure?

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I’m going to steal a quote from a student of mine because I thought it was worth talking about.

“My life is perfect, but not because there isn’t anything wrong with it… but because I say, and believe it is.”

At first glance, this may not seem like such a big deal to many, but coming from a college freshman girl — where drama, hormones and worries about EVERYTHING could potentially be her whole life — I thought this was huge, coming from her.

“Perfect” is relative, isn’t it? Our instinct is to want that perfect life… that husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, health, money, big home, angelic kids, gorgeous car, etc. But what does perfect really mean? I believe it means whatever we say it means, and creates a specific type of life that we say it creates.

I have a good friend who’s very wealthy, is in incredible shape and has a beautiful family, but thinks his life sucks! I also know someone who can’t walk, is overweight and is without much family, but thinks her life is “perfect!!” Wow… what a mindset difference. What happened with her that didn’t with him?? Perfect doesn’t have to mean what friends, family, or society in general says it means. It doesn’t have to look like the picture we’ve all visualized, where all the colors are “inside the lines”, and all match perfectly (oops, there’s that word again — I’m beginning to hate that word).

Maybe we should make it a lifelong plan to look for our own perfect, no matter what shape it takes, or who it upsets. Maybe, just maybe we know what that means, feels and tastes like for us better than anyone ever will.

Perfect? What does that mean?

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